Tonight I wasn't feeling well, so I was trying to take it easy before a very busy day tomorrow. The boys had been a little crazy and ended up going to bed earlier than normal. Well, they weren't too happy about it. This is when it can go one of two ways. It can either be frustrating and tiresome, or it can turn into one of the best moments a mommy can have.
Jaden was crying in his bed that he wanted his water (something that he gets every night, but I wasnt moving fast enough for him this time). When I went in to give it to him, his little arms shot out and he said "Mama, I need a hug." Normally, I retuck him in, give him lots of hugs and kisses and then leave, but tonight was different. I don't know if it was because of feeling bad, the tone in his voice, or just a mother's instinct of realizing he needed me at that moment, or maybe I just needed him, but either way, I pulled the covers back and crawled in next to him.
Jaden is not a touchy person. He never has been. He has never been the type to crawl up in your lap and go to sleep, or take naps together, or just wants to cuddle unless he doesn't feel good. But tonight was just different. I crawled in, tucked him in better and quietly asked him to close his eyes. Instead of fighting it, or making it a game, he closed his eyes, and then didn't open them again. He was a little wiggly but slowly, as we faced each other and I gazed at my first baby boy, and rejoiced at this gift that God has given me, I heard his breathing steady and he was soon fast asleep.
As I laid there, I kept thinking about so much. I thought about how fast the boys are growing, and how these moments are treasures that I hope to keep forever. Things I never want to forget or take for granted. I thought about how I try to be the best mom I can, and how much they teach me too. I ran my fingers through his silly hair that grows forward and marvelled at his long thick eyelashes and the way he still sucks his tongue in his sleep. He has grown so much in three years. Watching his videos just from one year ago, makes you realize just how fast time goes. I just want to put the brakes on. I want to freeze time, wrap my arms around his teeny little body and never let go.
I may screw up a lot in life as "rebecca". I may make stupid mistakes and do dumb actions that I can't take back. And I can get down on myself for it all...but at the end of the day, these miracles show me how to take ME out of the picture and see that I am not here for me. They show me how to love, how to give, how to teach, how to be patient and kind, how to rejoice in the little things, how to see something for the first time. They show me compassion and beauty, joy and hope. They help me to focus on God more as I try to raise them to be the God-fearing men that He gave them to me to be.
3 weeks old...
1 years old
The day before I had Jackson
2 years old.
3 years old.
Jaden saying his prayers at 2 years old: