Recently, Micah came home from work and told me he heard a song that reminded him of me with Jackson and to go download it. When I did, I realized I knew the song but had never really listened to the words enough to KNOW the song because it just never caught my attention with the tune.
But as I sat down and really listened to it, it caught my attention from the very first verse.
"Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your contagious smile...."
By the time the song was over, I had tears streaming down my face. The song is such a symbolic way of how I love both of my boys.
"And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight"
The song goes on to say...
Knowing Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see The truth for lies
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always Always love you
Those words are so true. Why cant I just hold them tight so that their castles wont crumble and their dreams will come true, and that they wont have to see the truth for lies? I want to keep their sweet innocence this way, that they think everyone is good and there is no danger in their little worlds. That boo boos are better after you kiss them and that everything is there for them if they need it.
When Plumb first came about, I used to listen to her and doodle the name on my books in high school (I was a doodler....surprise.) I was always drawn to her but never really took it seriously. Then I get an email from Micah today and he sent me this:
As she was being wheeled in for her second c-section:
"I was conscious of this rush of emotion," she says. "Fear for my life,
fear for my child's life, and somewhere in me thinking, 'I want to love this
baby as much as I love Solomon,' afraid I wouldn't. Then, when I heard Oliver
cry and they showed him to me...I went from, 'Is it possible to love that great
again?' to 'It's impossible not to love that great' in lessthan one second. And
I began to really understand how He loves us all the same, all unique, even when
we think he has some kind of partiality. He doesn't. It was an overwhelming,
life-altering moment of conviction. And when the record had been mixed and
mastered, I sat and listened in the car in my driveway and wept. "That's how you love me,' I said. 'Knowing how much I love these little boys, knowing you love me more than that.' It's incredibly humbling."
Sometimes I really beat myself up over guilt and feelings of failure at having two csections. And any more children we may have will have to be born through sections as well. I feel like my body failed me as a woman.
But that doesnt matter. My body didnt fail me. God made sure of that. He blessed us with two beautiful healthy and intelligent boys who can grow up together and be the best of friends. It was His plan for it to be this way. And the outcome was amazing! How can I feel bad about that? I need to remember this and move on. Its been three years for cryin' out loud!
Thank you God for seeing me fit enough to be blessed with these two sweet boys and to raise them in Your way. It is such an honor and huge responsibility, and the only way I can do this is through You. I am just in awe of your glory.
So after Micah pointed me in her direction and reading her biography and seeing how similiar she is to me, I feel connected to her in some weird way.
Thanks for reading my ramblings if you made it this far. And thank you Micah for showing me all of this. I am so lucky to love you and that you love me. And the boys are even luckier to have you as a father.